Crazy Ralph Schwartz

I've said that there were three aversions that shaped Regency Galleries' store policy ... but there was a fourth, maybe the worst of all ... deceptive advertising! It wasn't nearly so rampant 40 years ago but some businesses thrived almost exclusively from their "too good to be true" deals ... somehow, something always got lost in translation of that expression's definition and folks got what they paid for! The average fellow should know he ain't gonna win many hands when playing cards with a card shark what knows how every card is marked ... but he keeps on playing! The circus barker with his unbelievable, misleading and "buyer-beware" deals, from used cars to furniture, that was the worst ... it drove me up the walls! We didn't allow such doings in our advertising, or in our dealings with customers ... my aversion kept us low key in all that we did or tried to do, sometimes to a fault methinks. That aversion was the topic of many conversations with the radio station folks wanting me to more aggressively promote Regency Galleries. The program director of the leading "Country" station was a friend of mine who looked and acted like Buck Owens on stage when in character, but he attended the Trade School on Atlanta's North Avenue, same as me, and was sharp as a tack. At his suggestion, we co-wrote 10 ads mocking them dawgs what used such tripe and trickery in their advertising. Tom did most of the work and provided the voice for the ads ... only fair since I was paying for the spots. They were fantastic!! The first one we ran went something like this ... Hi folks, this is Crazy Ralph Schwartz, down at the big red furniture barn Regency! Today only, while supplies last, we're offering a beautiful 17 piece dining room suite for only $199.95 ... that's right, 17 pieces for less than $200! Why the table alone normally sells for twice that ... the whole deal would probably run over $2,000 over at Fred's Fine Furnishings! Hold it folks, that's not all ... we have a great companion deal, just for you! A giant 17 piece livingroom suite ... everything you could ever want , including a love seat ... a sweetheart of a deal, it too at only $199.95! That's right folks, the deal of a lifetime ... all because I'm in a statewide "winner take all" contest with 17 other dealers that ends tonight at midnight and need these sales to win ... the prize is an all expenses paid trip for two to see the Great Pyramids in Egypt! I need your help to show them that our town is the best by winning that contest! Tell you what I'm gonna to do ... free delivery and a free pony to the first one to buy both deals! Come on down!! Remember, Ralph Schwartz is the name, furniture is my game! I listened in amazement with appreciation ... it was great ... Tom's voice and delivery were perfect! Unlike my stories for the paper, the ad brought immediate customer feedback! Within three minutes of that first ad being aired, we has our first customer reaction ... "I want to see my pony", the little boy said ... "Hold on, hold on ... and calm down, we need to check out the furniture first ... I many not want to buy it" cautioned his father, and turning to me "you give anything off for cash?" Surely I was in the "Twilight Zone"! I had no idea as to what to say ... so I tried that ... "I really don't know what to say ... unfortunately, I think there's been a mistake made" and proceeded to explain, as best I could, what had happened. The reaction I got was shock and disbelief ... "You mean to tell me that there's no contest, no furniture sale, no pony?" "That's right, I said ... "Well, it wasn't a very funny joke to play on my family, especially the boy." I felt bad, real bad ... and then it hit me ... "Did you hear the end of the ad?" We had`a "Reality Check" close that was the same for the entire series, delivered in Tom's rich baritone professional voice, that went something like this ... "Are you tired of all the circus clowns with the "too good to be true" deals? ... the high pressure and misleading claims? We are too and you won't find any of that at Regency Galleries! We invite you to shop in the relaxed, friendly atmosphere and inviting surroundings of Regency Galleries where you find both quality and value!" "Well, no sir, I'm not sure ... not exactly ... I was in a rush to get here first and get that pony for the boy" ... I excused myself for a minute; called the station and explained the situation to Tom, who's uncontrollable laughter made me feel uncomfortable. However, he apologized and was able to quickly retrieve the spot, replete with the closing trailer. He played it twice, first for the man and then for his wife. The man was understandingly embarrassed but he handled it well ... "Guess the joke is really on me after all, but I like that ad, now that I really listened to it. Those fellows need to be stopped!" The little boy surprised me, not saying a word ... the respect he gave his daddy was well deserved, methinks! All things considered, it turned out rather well I thought, but one was enough ... fate was not to be tempted. The other ads were to be played a few times for our personal enjoyment but the only one to be publicly aired was the first, and it only once.